The Burden Of Selfhood
by kmylove
Summary: One Shot focused on Neo's feelings and reactins to what's going on. Set during the Revolutions, after his return from visiting the Oracle.


**_Disclaimer:_**the lyrics used in this fiction are from the song_ **Numb **_performed by_ **Pet Shop Boys.** _None of the characters belongs to me. The fiction also contains various parts of _**The Matrix Revolutions Script** (written in italics)._

_**Author's note:** _Dedicated to_ **Tina** for _helping discover the song and to_ **twistedxagonyxatxyourxservicex** _for giving me the great idea to use the song for a fiction.

_**Summary:** "Neo is alone, sitting on the bunk, looking for his own answer"_

_ Everyone is gathered around him, staring at him, expecting him to know what they must do._

"_I… I don't know… I need…"_

_He turns and leaves _

Neo rushed to his room as fast as he could. He couldn't let anyone see him like that. They couldn't see him like that… trying hard not to burst into tears, trying to keep his serious, cold face… He was about to touch the door knob when he heard rushed footsteps behind him. He decided to ignore whoever it was and he began opening the door.

"Neo! Hey, Neo! Stop! Wait! Neo!"

It was the Kid. Exactly the person whom he didn't want to see. He spoke to him without turning his head:

"What do you want Kid?"

"Neo, what did the Oracle say? Will the war end? Will…"

"Kid, not now, just leave me alone…" Neo replied without looking at him.

"Neo, the Sentinels are approaching. I'll fight too Neo, I'll be at the docks, I'll help you Neo… "

"Kid, I said not now! Just go already!"

"But Neo, I have to tell you about the sentinels and…"

"Kid, I told you to leave me alone! Just fuck off and let me be!" Neo shouted entering his room and slamming the door…

_Don't wanna hear the news  
What's going on  
What's coming through  
I don't wanna know  
Don't wanna know _

After closing the door Neo just crashed on his knees, put his head in his hands and let go of all of his pain. He burst into tears. He began crying like he never did before. He didn't even care that the door was not locked, that someone could walk in on him and notice his moment of weakness. He didn't care about anyone that moment. He just wanted to prove to himself that Thomas Anderson was not dead. That he was still the ordinary old Tom, who had feelings, who had doubts, who was weak, who made wrong choices… He was tired of being himself, tired of being Neo, tired of having to be brave and strong, trying to pretend he knew what he was doing, when he was just so scared of everything…

That moment he didn't care… He just wanted to feel the cold tears streaking down his face. He didn't care about Zion. He didn't care about the sentinels. He didn't care that they were about to destroy the city. He didn't care that he was their only hope. He didn't care that they expected him to save them. He felt so weak he wondered who would save him…

_  
Just wanna hide away  
Make my escape  
I want the world  
To leave me alone _

Neo realized the door was unlocked. He got up and locked it. He didn't care anymore that someone would see him cry. But he didn't want to see anyone. Not even Trinity. He just wanted to be alone. He wished he could just sneak out, run away, never to be heard from again. But he knew he couldn't do it, no matter how much he wished it… Why couldn't he? First, because he had no place to go. Where could he go? If he wanted to escape he could not remain in Zion. But neither could he go out of Zion, on a sure road to perdition in the middle of a lifeless city yet so full of life. And he could not escape because of the huge responsibility weighing on his shoulders. Everyone trusted him, everyone had put all their hopes in him. Betraying their confidence would have made him feel like the lowest human being.

_Feels like I feel too much  
I've seen too much  
For a little while  
I want to forget _

Neo slowly headed for the bed. He slowly sat, then lied down, turning his body completely towards the metallic wall, his back towards the door. He remembered the last time he sat like that… months ago… when he found out that his whole life had been nothing but a huge lie, a dream, an illusion… that nothing he loved ever existed for real… He remembered he felt so depressed back then… but compared to now, it felt like nothing…

Images were flashing before his eyes. Memories of all that he's been through all these months. So many unbelievable things… Things that defied every law of nature that he used to know, things that he would have never dreamt to be possible…

He never quite had the time to clearly understand everything… Barely did he get used to a change, that something else would appear in his life, and so on… Now he realized that ignorance was bliss… He wished he could just forget everything so he could have some inner peace. If only he could…just for a few seconds… if he could be back to being only Thomas again…

_  
Can't find no space to breathe  
World's closing in  
Right on me now   
Well that's how it feels  
That's how it feels _

After some long minutes, Neo gets up… He looks under the mattress and pulls out a knife… Why was the knife there? Why did he carry it with him all the time? He didn't know that himself… To defend himself? But from who? No one was a menace to him… Just that sometimes, when he felt he couldn't take it anymore, he would take out the knife and stare at its sharp blade… Now, that blade looked to Neo sharper than it ever did. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at the metallic shine.

He felt he couldn't take it any longer. He felt guilty for what was going on. He felt guilty for choosing love over duty. He felt guilty for the number of deaths that the attack of the sentinels would cause…

And he felt like everyone was pushing him too hard… Their eyes told him they waited for him to save them… How could he save them if he couldn't even save himself? He knew he had no choice but to save the day, to repair his own mistakes… Or did he?

_  
Too much light  
There's too much sound  
Wanna turn it off  
Wanna shut it out  
I need some relief _

He took another look at the knife… Millions of images rushed through his mind again… Trinity… Morpheus… red pill… blue pill… Smith… all their fights… him dying… being brought back… all the changes he went through… becoming the One… dodging bullets, stopping bullets… flying… stopping sentinels with his bare hands…

And yet more images he could not explain… it began with predicting Trinity's death… now he would only see lightning bolts, metallic shine, wires and cables…

Neo rose the knife upright and put his fingers on the tip. He pressed it slowly against it… He felt a sting… He looked at his finger to see a drop of blood…

_  
Think that like I think too much  
I've seen too much  
There is just too much  
Thought in my head _

… he was still human after all… he was still Thomas, not Neo, he wasn't immortal and he could be hurt… The blade was slowly approaching his stomach… Another flash… Trinity's eyes begging him to stop… he shook his head to chase the image away… He could almost feel the blade on his skin when he heard a distant and faint voice…

"_Everything that has a beginning has an end"_

He closed his eyes… He saw himself surrounded by light… It felt so peaceful… He never felt like that before… Somehow he understood that those were images of the end… and he understood that the end wasn't yet supposed to come…

_I wanna be numb  
I don't wanna feel this pain no more  
Wanna lose touch  
I just wanna go and lock the door  
I don't wanna think   
I don't wanna feel nothing  
I wanna be numb  
I just wanna be  
_

He opened his eyes and realized what he was about to do… He hid away the knife in shame… He was ashamed of what he had been about to do… And yet dying didn't scare him anymore…

He wished he could be really that cold as he let others think he was… His face expressed no emotions to others, but how he wished he didn't have any emotion to show…

_Wanna be  
Taken away from all the madness  
Need to escape  
Escape from the pain   
I'm out on the edge  
About to lose my mind  
For a little while  
For a little while  
I wanna be numb _

… he wished he could be far away from everything that he had to face…

But that was impossible… As hard as he wished, he could not escape from who he was, from what he was…

He had to accept himself… He was Neo… he was The One… his mission was to save mankind… He committed a serious mistake and he had to mend it… He had the opportunity to end the war, but he chose to save his love… He put Zion in danger and only he could save it…

He had his moment of weakness, but it was over now… He knew what he had to do…

He wiped away his tears, took a deep breath and opened the door… He took one last look at the room… The room which saw his weakness… The room which he would see for the last time…


End file.
